


2:00 am through the fire exit

by slut_for_jan_and_trixya



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, F/F, Fluff, I'm trying here, Lesbian AU, Trixie is kinda stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:27:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23369968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slut_for_jan_and_trixya/pseuds/slut_for_jan_and_trixya
Summary: The room is empty as it’s 2:00 am in Trixie’s room and she still doesn’t know why she let Katya climb in through the fire exit. AKA it's the middle of the night and it's at this time that our two lovable morons finally clear the fucking air.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	2:00 am through the fire exit

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work and I'm trying y'all I really am. I would love comments of any sort so feel free to add some. Thanks for reading nd once again, I'm trying y'all. There will be typos, typos GALORE. So try not to judge me too hard okay?

“Why did you do that.” She asks quietly, not so much a question as it is a demand for an answer. The room is empty as it’s 2:00 am in Trixie’s room and she still doesn’t know why she let Katya climb in through the fire exit. She tries to keep her voice steady as emotions threaten to waver it, but Trixie can feel it. She can feel the hurt, the anger, the fear behind her words as Katya stands before her, legs parted in an accusatory stance.  
“Katya, what’s the problem.” She tilts head to the side, trying to pretend that she has no idea what is causing her pain, when in actuality, Trixie’s actions could not be hurting Katya in a more obvious manner. And it kills Trixie. It kills her that this is what she has become. She has always left a trail of bleeding hearts in her wake, but not to Katya. Not Katya. Not with her eyes blue-gray like a calm in the middle of the most rambunctious that convey betray every emotion she feels. Not with her scarlet smile, lips so thoroughly rouged that her teeth make the brightest of rooms look dim in comparison. Not within the creases of the crinkles of her eyes that form when she throws her head back in uncontrollable laughter where the remnants of Trixie’s soul lie. The pieces of her embedded within Katya that the world cannot see. The world cannot know.  
“No.” She bites her lip as a sigh of frustration escapes her lips “Why did you do that.” “  
“I don’t know what you're talking about,”  
“Don’t bullshit me. Why did you kiss him?” Unpleasant memories run through Trixie’s mind as the feeling of chapped lips pressing hard with bruising force against hers smudge her painstakingly applied makeup ghosts her skin. She didn’t want to kiss him. Of course she didn’t want to kiss him. But this is a university in Boston and they are post-teenagers with bodies fuelled by hormones and lust. Trixie is no exception, her body also rages with the urge to love, but it does not rage at the sight of men. Nor the sight of women. Well, one woman.  
“I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up about this, it was just a kiss. And besides, it’s not like this is my first rodeo. I did it cos he was hot and I wanted to. What other explanation is there?” It’s true. She did do it because he was attractive. Not attractive in way that Katya was attractive. In the way, that she made Trixie wilt like a flower in the snow, but attractive enough. And it’s true, she did want to kiss him. Not out of lust, or god forbid, love. But rather out of preservation. Preservation of the fragile reputation she has built to rise above the position of underdog her family has put her in. This is not the first time she has suppressed her natural urges, her god-given bodily desires in favor of what society has deemed she should want. So many boys who fell in lust with her soft waist and her chest after a kiss that caused Trixie to cringe so hard inwardly that she had to wash herself in Katya’s glory to cleanse herself of their filth.  
“No. You did it because you heard me tell Kim.” She says, tears welling in her eyes as they threaten to pool. The world stills as yet another memory floods her senses. 

Trixie stands, back pressed against a wall as she closes her eyes and allows the world to still for a second. She doesn’t know why she came do this stupid party and why the sounds of shitty cliché teenage pop blasting from the radios makes her yearn for the soft acoustics of her grandfather’s guitar even more but she’s determined to tune it out. Trixie jerks her head as a familiar voice calls out to a figure that is not her, but nearby.  
“Katya?” Kim asks, her the soft lisp in her voice always makes the concern in her words harder to detect but Trixie has known Kim for long enough to know when she’s worried.  
“Oh, Kim. Hi. I’m fine. I really am. I really really great. Just me. Super awesome. Never been better in my life.”  
“Why are you crying?” Crying? Worry begins to blossom in her chest and she contemplates getting up to comfort her favorite person in the world. No. She bites her lip. If she goes in. Katya will not tell Kim what Trixie needs to hear. Katya has always been strong, brushing off the back-breaking pain of addiction and mental illness with humor and on maybe three occasions has actually confessed the ache that she feels to Trixie. She knows it’s because Katya loves her and doesn’t want to burden her, knowing the hellish soap opera that is her family life, but there are instances were she wishes she was a confidant. She knows Katya does not do it to cause her pain or out of malice, yet it hurts more when she suffers in silence.  
“I’m not crying; I’m peeing out of my eyes.” Trixie stifles a laugh.  
“Katya.” Kim’s stern voice never fails to penetrate her defenses. “What’s wrong.”  
“It’s Trixie.”  
“Did you get into a fight?” The worry returns, strengthening in size. Did they get into a fight? No Trixie, is certain. They are on good terms.  
“Hah, I wish.” Katya’s bitter laugh fills the room through the wall. “No, we’re not fighting. I’ve just come to a rather unpleasant realization.” She hesitates. “It would appear that I am in love with that blonde Barbie bimbo that we most know as Tracy Mattrel.” Trixie’s heart stops as the sounds of quiet sobs echo the room. Katya is not in love with her. She is not. Katya has never been one to cling onto something for long. She develops brief infatuations with things before leaving in them in favor of others. She has been infatuated with many. Girls, boy, chemicals. Trixie is just another name on a long, long list. She will not let her get her hopes up. Trixie is not like Katya. When she loves, she loves with her entire soul and her entire being. Hell, she loves Katya with her entire soul and her entire being. She has been in love for seven years and at the sound of Katya’s laughter. At the look of her smile on her face. At her raspy, cigarette laden voice, she falls deeper and deeper every second of every day, god damn it. But Katya doesn’t love her back. She doesn’t. No. Trixie will not naively allow herself to hope as hope only brings back things with it. Hope only brings pain and Trixie will not allow herself to be fooled by it again. NO, SHE WILL NOT-  
The sound of a door slamming open reveals that Katya and Kim. Standing above her crouched figure, a look of horror dawning upon Katya’s face as she realizes that Trixie has heard each and every word that has come from her mouth.  
“I-I-” Trixie stammers. Her brain frantically searches for a line of defense and one appears. Trixie doesn’t know his name or his age or his deal, she just grabs him and kisses him quickly, pretending that nausea doesn’t fill her stomach before she rushes past Katya and Kim and through the door. 

“Trixie?” Suddenly she is brought back to reality. Brought back to this living goddess who just an hour ago proclaimed her love for her. “I’m right, aren’t I?”  
“You don’t love me.” Trixie says abruptly. Shocked herself as the words suddenly fly out of her mouth. “You can’t love me.”  
“Why?” Katya challenges, anger seething through her words. “What is it about me that is so broken that I can’t be in love with the most perfect person in the world. What about me is so twisted and wrong that-“  
“Shut up.”  
“-you think that I am some monster-“  
“Shut up.” Trixie covers her ears, trying to drown out her voice.  
“incapable of love and incapable of feeling. Is that what I am to you? A monster?” Tears have begun to freefall down her cheeks as Katya screams the words at Trixie.  
“SHUT UP.” She can’t breathe. Trixie can’t breathe. She can’t breathe. Oh my god, my needs to breathe.  
“Trixie?” Katya says, her voice suddenly quiet. “Trixie, honey. Breathe.”  
“I-I-can’t. Something’s wrong, I can’t.” Suddenly Trixie is on the floor and Katya is next to her, the smaller girl cradling Trixie in her chest as Trixie sobs, trying to pieces together the broken pieces of her heart.  
“Breathe for me, my love. Breathe. Come on, you can do this. You can breathe.” She’s right. Trixie can breathe. For Katya, Trixie can travel to the moon and back. So for Katya, Trixie can breathe.  
“I’m sorry, Katya.”  
“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault.” She says, remorse coating her voice as it is clear that she thinks it’s her fault.  
“It’s not your fault either.” Katya scoffs.  
“Hah. You’re funny.”  
“I don’t think you’re a monster.” Trixie says quietly, yet the admission is louder than the if she had yelled the words.”  
“I know you don’t. You’re too kind for that.”  
“NO, I don’t think you’re a monster because I’m in love with you.” Katya straightens as she grabs Trixie’s by the arms and forces her to look in her eyes. God, her eyes. Puffy and red with tears. They are probably still the most breath taking sight in the world.  
“Trixie, don’t bullshit me right now. It’s not funny. Don’t joke like that.”  
“Katya, I love you. You just don’t and never will love me.”  
“Trixie…”  
“I have loved you since we were eleven and you fell down from a tree and scraped your knee. I remember being worried because people can die from infections so I sanitized your wound and covered it in hello kitty bandages and shit.” Katya laughs, tears once again rimming her eyes. “I fell in love with you when you laughed because you found it funny how worried I was all because of a stupid scrape and I wanted to cry because the thought of you dying made everything inside my sour and it was at that moment. At that stupid, insignificant moment, that I fell in stupid, irrevocable love with your Russian ass.” Trixie smiles and brushes the tears away from Katya’s eyes. Her skin is soft, but not perfect. Funny how perfect she is because she’s not perfect.  
“But you don’t love me. And even if you do, it’ll fade. You’ll hate me because everything you were once obsessed with you end up hating. I was always scared I would end up as one of them. I guess I’ve sealed my fate, huh.”  
“Trixie…”  
“Katya, I’m so sorry.”  
“Nu-uh. My turn.” Trixie silences herself as Katya presses a finger to her lip. “ I didn’t know what being in love felt like until I met you. I have been in love with for since I have known you. I didn’t know what it felt like because it was all I had felt. I thought that waking up and thinking of you first thing in the morning was normal. I thought that going to sleep and thinking of your face while I saw it in my dreams normal. I thought that looking at you and realizing I would give the world and more to you was normal. I thought that finding every last inch of you the most perfect thing in the world normal. Do you know how I survived rehab? How I survived the hospitals, the nurses, the facilitation. You. I would look at this one photo I have of your face. And it is just your face, maybe there are trees and shit in the background but all I see is your face. You are the most beautiful, kind, rotted person in the world. I hated every damn second of rehab but you were the only reason I did it. Every other thing in the world that I have fallen in love with was a temporary distraction from the true love of my life. Some days, I almost hate how much I love you. It hurts when you’re mad at me or when you’re upset because I would sooner rip my heart out with my bear hands than hurt you, Trixie. You are the love of my life and it was only until I had to leave you that I knew that.”  
Trixie bites her lips, openly weeping as tears fall down her cheeks. Trixie wishes she didn’t but she feels the same. She wishes she wasn’t as deep into this but she is, maybe even deeper. Everything reminds her of Katya. Maybe because everything is Katya. Maybe everything always has been. But either way, the smell of autumn in the air reminds her of baking in the kitchen with Katya. The sounds of immigrants chatting in their native languages reminds her of Katya and her family of linguists. The scent of a man smoking cigarettes in the street remind her of Katya. The soft blossoms on the trees when spring arrives remind her of Katya. A baby crying as a mother coddles it. A puppy barking at the sight of a treat. A meal cooked to perfection. Katya. Katya. Katya. All of it is her. All things beautiful and ugly in the world remind her of Katya and they always will.  
“Please say something.”  
Trixie smiles, as she closes her eyes.  
“Kiss me.”  
Katya smiles and hot red meet dollhouse pink as two souls spun from the same fabric of the universe collide into one another and the colors smudge together to form an odd gradient. The feeling, the passion, the heat. Trixie has kissed many people but never Katya and suddenly it’s like she’s never kissed anyone at all. Because kissing Katya is something new, some unexplored and something explosive. Katya makes every color in the world dull in comparison as with her it’s almost like Trixie can see new colors. As if the world is reborn. As if with her, the world is both bolder yet softer than before. It’s 2:15 am in Trixie’s room and she’s not sure why she let Katya climb up the fire exit into her room because Trixie will make sure with a her heart and soul that she will never have to do it again.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that wasn't too shit but if it was, feel free to tell me. I will take all criticism, go forth and ATTACK.


End file.
